Category: My Life

After you reach a certain age birthdays seem to become less and less important. Only so many candles will fit on a cake. As the decades go by you would rather not think about how old you have become and prefer to savor to the best of your ability what is left of your life. If you can. It’s not always going to be an easy journey. Savor it.

If you’re really lucky, the pain and discomfort of your ageing body can be offset by the loving comfort of your lover’s presence. Birthdays are a celebrations of existence. Living another year together. Being as happy as you can with your life. Savor it.

Today is my lover’s birthday. For the last few years we have been passing the same birthday card back and forth. It’s a cute card with Snoopy on the front that says “Guess who loves you today” and on the inside it says “Same person who loves you every day but today you get a card! Happy Birthday”. We really enjoy passing the card back and forth. We usually go out for a meal in celebration. Our own little tradition.

This year the card will sit on my desk while I grieve and mourn her not being here to celebrate her existence and our traditions. I will remember her life and our time together and savor it.

Nanka, I miss you so.

rcb

When you first lose someone you love, the expectation is that you grieve. But what really happens is you’re too busy to grieve. Right after someone dies there is a need for strength, for perseverance. Living must go on. That process can last awhile.

There is also a lot of paperwork. And requests for payments. Payments for services that serve as a reminder that you have lost someone you love. The constant reminders make you miss them but do not provide time for grief. Just more processes that must be completed.

After a while all those things for which you are being strong and persevering get accomplished and you return to normal life. Just life without the person you lost.

For me that was about six months after Nanka died. I had been grieving all the way through but mostly focused on getting my life back in some kind of working order. I had done enough crying and raving that I thought I was in control of my emotions.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, I started bursting into tears. Not sobbing or anything just tears running down my face. Sometimes I would be unaware that this was happening. It was always triggered by something we used to do together or someone talking about her. Mostly simple everyday things that are just normal living but we had always done them together.

Several times this was very public. It was embarrassing I suppose but I was amazed by the reaction of the people in the grocery or the library. Now granted, many of these people knew us as a couple and that she had passed away but some were total strangers and they were kind and supportive as I grieved in public.

It’s now been eight months since she died and the tears continue. I have gained a lot more control and it seldom happens in public. I still have times when I wander around the house with tears running down my face because I did some small thing and remembered our life. It’s happening right now as I write these words. I have no idea how long this will last.

I am in mourning for my lost love and my lost life.

rcb