When you first lose someone you love, the expectation is that you grieve. But what really happens is you’re too busy to grieve. Right after someone dies there is a need for strength, for perseverance. Living must go on. That process can last awhile.
There is also a lot of paperwork. And requests for payments. Payments for services that serve as a reminder that you have lost someone you love. The constant reminders make you miss them but do not provide time for grief. Just more processes that must be completed.
After a while all those things for which you are being strong and persevering get accomplished and you return to normal life. Just life without the person you lost.
For me that was about six months after Nanka died. I had been grieving all the way through but mostly focused on getting my life back in some kind of working order. I had done enough crying and raving that I thought I was in control of my emotions.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, I started bursting into tears. Not sobbing or anything just tears running down my face. Sometimes I would be unaware that this was happening. It was always triggered by something we used to do together or someone talking about her. Mostly simple everyday things that are just normal living but we had always done them together.
Several times this was very public. It was embarrassing I suppose but I was amazed by the reaction of the people in the grocery or the library. Now granted, many of these people knew us as a couple and that she had passed away but some were total strangers and they were kind and supportive as I grieved in public.
It’s now been eight months since she died and the tears continue. I have gained a lot more control and it seldom happens in public. I still have times when I wander around the house with tears running down my face because I did some small thing and remembered our life. It’s happening right now as I write these words. I have no idea how long this will last.
I am in mourning for my lost love and my lost life.
rcb